Actually Listen

Listening sounds easy. But doing it properly (especially when someone's struggling) takes a bit more than just nodding along.

Real listening (the fancy term is active listening) means being fully present. It's like your brain has put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign for everything except this person and this moment.

Think of it as the difference between hearing your housemate's keys jingle and actually noticing they're home three hours later than usual and their voice sounds a bit flat.

what that actually looks like:

• Put your phone away. Yep, all the way away. They'll notice.
• Use small signs you're listening. Nods, "yeahs," or a simple "go on" can keep things flowing without cutting them off.
• Match their pace. Let them take their time. Let the story unfold how it needs to.
• Repeat back bits of what they said. Just enough to show you got it.

This is about showing you're with them, really with them.

Why it matters:

When someone's struggling, just saying stuff out loud can help them start to make sense of it.

But that only works if they feel like it's actually being heard. If you're really listening (not just sitting there politely) they'll keep going. And that might be exactly what they need.

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Ask Questions That Open Doors

Questions can unlock a conversation, or slam it shut before it starts. It all comes down to how you ask.

The goal here is to gently invite them to share more if they want to. Here's how to do that without sounding like a quizmaster or accidentally making them feel worse.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Questions that can't be answered with a quick "yes" or "no." They give people room to explain things in their own words and on their own terms.

Think of it like handing them the mic, rather than putting words in their mouth.

✅ "What's been hardest about everything lately?"

✅ "What's been helping, if anything?"

✅ "What's it been like for you day to day?"

These keep the door open. They tell the other person you’re listening and that you’re ready to hear it however they want to say it.

Avoid Questions that corner them

Some questions might sound curious but land like a wet slap. They can carry judgment, even if you meant them with the best intentions.

⛔ "Why are you like this?"

⛔ "But what's actually wrong though?"

⛔ "Are you sure this isn't just in your head?"

Even with good intentions, these kinds of questions can make someone feel judged, small, or like they have to explain their pain to earn your concern. And if they already feel wobbly, that's the last thing they need.

Tips That Help:

• Keep your tone easy and your body language open. You don't need to "look concerned", just be present.
• Give them time. Let silence sit for a bit if they’re thinking.
• Don't worry about the perfect question. Just be human. If it comes from care, it'll probably land just fine.

Why it matters:

You're creating an environment where they feel safe to keep talking. When someone feels like they're being asked with them rather than at them, they're far more likely to keep going.

And that might be the thing that helps them most. Sometimes people just need to hear themselves think out loud with someone who actually gives a damn.

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Acknowledge What They're Feeling

When someone finally opens up, our default move is to soften it. Make them feel better. Say something comforting.

That's normal. But it can backfire spectacularly.

❌ "Everyone gets like that sometimes, don't worry."

❌ "You'll be fine. It's probably just a phase."

These are meant to reassure. What they actually do is shrink the moment. They make it sound like the person's being dramatic about something that's actually a genuinely big deal for them.

What helps instead: validation.

Validation is simply letting them know their feelings make sense, even if you wouldn't feel the same in their shoes. You're basically saying: "Yeah, I hear that. I'd be rattled too."

✅ "That sounds heavy. I'd probably be feeling the same way."

✅ "No wonder your head's been spinning—there's a lot going on."

✅ "That'd knock anyone off balance. Makes sense you've been struggling."

Why it matters:

Validation is one of the quickest ways to build trust. It shows you're not scared of what they're saying. That they don't have to perform emotional tidiness to be taken seriously.

And when someone feels safe saying the raw, unedited version out loud, that’s often when things start to shift.

You're saying: "You don't need to defend feeling this way." And that's huge.

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Don't Jump In With Solutions

When someone tells you something hard, your brain lights up with possible fixes. It's a reflex. You care, so your instinct is to help.

But blurting out solutions too early often lands like a polite "Alright, that's enough now."

"Maybe you just need to get outside more."

"Have you tried yoga?"

"You've got to think more positively!"

Look, none of these are terrible ideas. But when someone's in the thick of it, they don't need a motivational fridge magnet. They need to know they've been heard.

The issue with 'fix it mode' is that it skips over the feeling. It pushes past the pain. And it can make the other person feel like their job is now to reassure you that they're fine, when they've just said they're not.

The goal isn't to tie it up with a neat little bow. The goal is to stay with them while they're saying something raw and to show them you can handle it.

Try this instead:

• "Thanks for telling me that. I'm really glad you did."
• "That sounds rough. I'm here with you."
• "We can figure things out later—but for now, I've got you."

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Let Silence Do Some Work

Silence makes a lot of us squirm. It feels like something's gone wrong, like you've run out of things to say or made it weird. But when someone's opening up, silence doesn't mean failure. It means thinking. Processing. Sometimes even gathering courage.

They might be figuring out how to say something they've never said out loud. Or deciding if this feels safe enough to go further.

So don't panic. Don't fidget. Don't try to "rescue" the moment with a random story about your weekend.

Just let the silence exist. Give it some breathing room.